Do you have any idea how hard it is? All my life I've never been good enough. Not to anyone's standard, and definitely not to mine either. Ten, twenty years from now, and who knows how many years after, there's sort of a responsibility set for me business-wise. I always doubt myself, and it's really the silliest idea to think that I have the steel to take on such a task. I'm a person who's always below average, and now given such a huge task. How's that ever gonna work?
What's worse is, that means there's always an expectation for me to choose a certain path. I've abandoned so many dreams along the way. I'm not even sure what my dream is anymore. It's like I'm just a robot made to go a certain in order to complete a specified task.
And now I'm at the point where I wanna back down. But it's just so hard to do given the many restrictions. I mean, it'd be so much easier if I was a normal person who can choose to do something that he wants. I would be more than thankful to settle for second-rate stuff, get an average job, and be happy. But no, I have to strive to be the best. There's really no room for anything else, if I don't want to let anyone down.
So, does that make sense? A below-average person who has no dreams forcing his way to the top of something he has no confidence of doing? I've given up so much, changed so much in the course of one year, in order to prepare myself for the long road ahead. From outside looking, mine would have been the perfect life.